I wish suicide was a lot simpler than it is.

My world is still collapsing around me, my entire being is depressed. And I still can't figure out what to do really. God help me. Someone. Help me.

Depression

So, so far only 1 person knows of my problems. Sandy Thong. A girl who I barely know and I've met maybe 3 times. I cannot confide in my closest friends in fear of judgment. The lack of closure with my problems may lead to the end of me. Blame my attachment to the past. The girl I'm in love with is far away from me while I type this out. I have noone to look up to. My future looks as far as I can see, lonely and full of greed. Even if technology is where I spend most of my time, it only makes my problems worse. It's like talking to a wall. There is no desire to achieve, there is no goal that I want to achieve, and the only thing that matters to me right now, is unachievable.

You know what, I hope I get cancer and die in a week.

Say It all. Right here.

I'm a fucking useless person, I swear.

Who gets a girlfriend and doesn't travel that one hour to go see her every week or so, doesn't call her every couple of days or so, and doesn't keep in touch. A fucking useless one.

Who applies for uni, skips majority of the classes, gives up when everything else fails, and just hopes it'll be alright after that. A fucking useless student.

Who spends a parent's money without thinking, just hoping that they'll be alright at home, with hardly any communication with them despite their many many emails checking on you, will spend the money to take you to Spain, but you don't tell them you withdrew from a subject, costing even more money. A fucking useless kid.

Why am I even here.

The Dog.

There are no fairytale endings in a modern day world, there is no happily ever after, because ever after only leads to more - and you know how it goes on, another dumbfuck appears out of nowhere and tries screwing you over. So here's a story that is definitely more likely to happen in our awesome world out there.

The dog limps out of the alleyway, a teardrop welled up in his eyes, as he stumbles onto the pavement. As much as a dog can regret, he regrets leaving his home - a home, the singular place in the world you feel safe no matter what - and in today's world, how often is it you find someone who has a true home, you find divorced families, and too many dumb bitches who undergo teenage pregnancy and get left to strive for themselves, but anyway, the dog, he leaves his home, pissed off about the few misunderstandings that go around his home, the only thing going through his head - abuse, mistreatment and revenge. As the dog slowly crawls his way out of the alleyway, he tries to find a place to lay his head, only to find that no one else would accept this damn dog - injured, sad and probably infectious. So what does he do? He continues walking down to sleep under the bridge. Yes, a bridge, how cliche. The only difference is, when he reaches this area under the bridge, he finds that his sight is gone. The dumb dog is now blind - although, you could say he was already blind, from the day he didn't realise the miraculousness before him, a family, happiness and a home. As he drops to the floor under the bridge - what else could he do, he's blind - and waits for a miracle to happen, like a fairy is just going to appear out of the fucking river to save his sorry ass. Oh, but surprise surprise, NOTHING HAPPENS. As he attempts to get back up, to try to reap any little bit of hope he has left, the dog, he falls into the river of despair. Not just any river, possibly worse than the Yarra to a multiple of billion. While in the river, the negativity within his mind bursts forward - the flash before your death? no. all you see is that regret you weren't able to accomplish what you wanted, you didn't keep what you had, you didn't REALISE WHAT THE FUCK WAS BEFORE YOU THAT WAS UTTERLY BRILLIANT. The dog lands in a vortex of loneliness at this point, disabled. His measly yelp for help is unheard, as no one is around, no one can understand him, and at this point - the only thing left for him to do, a teardrop wells up in his eye once more.

So the dog could be any dickhead in the world, who loses what he has, who ditches what was good, and regret half a day later. Who hasn't that happened to I wonder.

So you know what, just don't try, if you don't love you don't get hurt, if you don't aim, you can't fail. If you don't see, you can't lose your sight. You get my point.

All I have left to say is, thanks guys. Thanks.

Uni life sucks.

I need help. My world is just collapsing around me. The End.

Up to a point I can't talk to anyone due to my lack of connection to anyone proper. How fucking awesome.

Good night world.

Holidays.

How can you call it a holiday.. when u hardly sleep.. but am able to go out wit frens so much... ( budden so much drama.. duno hw da hell it started in da 1st place ).
Anyways, pool was as frequent as usual.. ac hardly.. dota.. slightly..
but.. i'm going back to australia tmr.. was about to say home, but now i'm slightly confused bout which is home for me, seriously.
sorray for those ppls i didnt get to meet over this hol, not that i'm waaay too busy seeing all the friends, but its just.. I CANT DRIVE YET.. goddammit

now to what happened during the hols :
1. CLUBBING. ( can some1 actually tell me wth i did that night.. n not say "oh, u remember that fat malay dude?" NONE OF THAT FCKIN BULLSHIT )
2. Da groups splitting up.
3. Ranting bout all da shit tats happened in our lives ( phil becoming the not so angry kid anymore, sam not being AS notorious, mel not being so screamish =P, form 1 n 2 plays, yeah.. all that crap )
4. Green penises are lame for the record.
5. Alcohol is not fun. especially when it comes out.
6. holiday homework's due soon.
7. i'm gonna miss certain ppl.
8. no1s hardly gona read this anyway.
9. EL, IF U BLOODY READ DIS.. U SHUD TELL UR OLD CLASSMATES THAT U ACTUALLY CAME HOME FROM UK! bloody hell..

ARSENAL GOT INTO DA SEMIS BIYATCHH.
oh, sean n vhi how pitiful for liverpool. n grats for shengy, da kid who cant get high no matter what.

To : All the Acmarians especially Samantha, Shu Yen,Melissa, Ruei Pern, Jay Min, Kyle

Since today is going to be Shu Yen's last day in Malaysia for this part of the year, 

I'm gladly going to say thank you so much Yen and Ruei Pern for spending almost every single day of this holiday with me; me being an ass most of the time I'm extremely impressed with you guys for still going out with me =P 

To all of you,

this really has been the best holiday of my life, never in my life have I spent almost everyday in Klang Parade, Asia Cafe and Sunway Pyramid. U guys make pool seem like the most enjoyable game ever and never would I have though that I could spend THAT much money on playing pool alone ( sorry parents =D thanks Jay! ). If I thought that my history in school would come back to haunt me, I'm definitely wrong seeing that the 1 girl that I fought with in school so many times in Std 3 suddenly becomes 1 of my really good friends( you know who you are ) and I would even spend a night in her house ( very recently actually ) with the whole group of friends and seeing Ruei Pern tipsy for the 1st time ever (hilarious really), plus I'm seeing Sean a lot more than I thought I would've ages back.  

I'm glad that I was able to spend my this holiday celebrating so many birthdays ( Shu Yen, Sean, Shi Yee, Samantha) and able to see them even though we've all left high school for a new life in college, new friends, new subjects, new teachers and a new lifestyle. 

I'm not going to be able to see a lot of you guys before I leave but I hope that you guys enjoy college but never forget how high school was like, meet new friends but never forget the old, find your perfect mate and enjoy the year. I'll be back to check out how you would've changed.